You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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