i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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