It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
