I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Apparently you make a good broom.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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