Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
