just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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