Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How does one acquire holy water?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize