I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
