I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
