i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Text me some of your sweat
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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