I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
