Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We left the knife in your bed.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
