I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I smell stomach acid.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize