Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize