People in love make me want to vomit
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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