listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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