When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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