also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
