I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize