my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
