just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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