This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
