he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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