I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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