You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
