the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
