During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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