next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
