You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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