I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You need Xanax blowdarts
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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