I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
