If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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