i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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