i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
