you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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