I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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