Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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