"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
