Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize
