update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
