he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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