Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
