mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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