oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
