When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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