You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
