i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
