I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The best revenge is premature balding
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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