omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
They are going to name an STD after you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
