Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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