I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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