I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My bed smells like the plague
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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