I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
