all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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